The Brown Eyed Dreamer

'Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart.' William Wordsworth


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May 27th / (Heart)Break Down

I guess the part I’m scared of is 

The inevitable change;

When everything that once meant the world 

Crumbles like dust at our feet. 

What will we do,

When kisses that once inspired 

Soft sighs and butterflies,

Only flutter and fall

Like ashes from our lips?

What will we say,

When words that once bloomed

Between the spaces in the silence 

Wilt, wither and waste away  

In the dryness of closed mouths?

I don’t want your name to become 

A sour taste on my tongue,

I don’t want the melody of your voice 

To switch to a mourning hum;

But my fear is one morning I’ll wake up 

And all my feelings will have dispersed- 

Or worse, lying sleepless in twilight

I’ll know you stopped loving me first. 

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Unbreakable.

I built my walls up strong and high

So nothing could harm me; 

But when those walls came crashing down 

It set my old heart free. 

And though this world is dark and cold 

When you’re trapped here all alone;

In your absence I’ll find strength 

I’ll seek happiness on my own.

(As part of my new blessing counting mantra, I’ve decided my poetry should be a bit more optimistic as I tend to scribble with cynicism most of the time. I’ve always found it harder to capture hope and happiness than melancholy and sadness, but I hope in time I can improve my positive writing and, in turn, my positive outlook in life.)


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Blessing Counting

I used to face every problem that came my way with passive pessimism; I met minor issues with quiet complaints and grumbles, saw a world in grayscale with a slightly musty smell. Everything wasn’t great, but it wasn’t awful either. 

Now that I’m beginning to experience actual sadness, I’m seeing life in a different way. If I let each bout of melancholia drown me in its sea, or let myself be suffocated in sighs of depression, I could not consider myself alive. And so, while shutting myself alone in a room, cradling my cracked carcass of a heart in my arms and crying until I can feel no more tears come to greet my cheeks seems like the easier option when facing dark times, it is not what I do. 

I count my blessings now. 

For every scrap of sad news I hear, for every lurch of disappointment I feel, for every urge to break down that rocks my corpse I give myself a reason to stay standing. I tell myself to put a damn smile on my face and survive, because what’s the point in being anything other than happy? This world is so full of the bitter taste of loneliness and gloom already, so what harm would a little bit of hope do? Why on earth would I lock myself up in all of my doubts, depressions and disappointments when I could simply choose to be happy? Why should I continue complaining when I have so much to be thankful for? I’m alive, aren’t I?

This is how I survive now. And I urge anyone who feels trapped behind the dusty cobwebs of cynicism to try out optimism too. Because, let me tell you, the world looks a hell of a lot brighter in colour. 


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Sans Doute

Aujourd’hui, pour le premier temps 

Je peux dire que je me sent vraiment content 

Et ces sentiments existent grâce à toi. 

Quand j’imagine tes yeux, ton beau sourire 

Ou le son de sa voix 

Je me trouve avec un sourire grand et 

Sans doute, je t’aime. 

Et si cet report n’est pas l’amour, 

Si tu me blesse, 

Si mon cœur se sent chagrin 

Je me sentirai pas de tristesse, pour 

Sans doute, je t’aime-

Et le reste? Ça ne fait rien.

(I wrote this poem a while back, and while things have changed, feelings never really do, so this will always be relevant. Also, excuse my terrible French, I have not spoken the language in months)