The Brown Eyed Dreamer

'Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart.' William Wordsworth


Leave a comment

The Storm

A storm is on its way.
I often wonder how I would react to hearing this; knowing that life is but an hourglass and that the last few grains of sand are about to fall? How would I feel knowing that the end is but a few heartbeats and a final breath away? I wonder would I be able to utter a final sentence- a shaken ‘goodbye’, a stuttered ‘I love you’, or maybe a soft and bitter ‘I’m sorry’? Would words burst out of my mouth in a tidal wave of shocked emotions, spilling a kaleidoscope of stumbling sentences across the empty rooms before me? Would I sit in wounded, wide-eyed silence, unable to even believe the words I am hearing? Or would I raise my head to the skies, open my arms wide to the heavens and smile, knowing that finally it would all be over? Maybe I’m ready to be washed away with the rain, have lightning race through my blood and thunder roar through my skull.
A storm is on its way, and I think I’m ready to face it.

(Inspired by the song ‘Time’ by Hans Zimmer.)


Leave a comment

Darling- A Letter of Hope

Darling, how could you want to die?
Times have been hard lately darling,
We can see the pain in your eyes-
But please don’t utter those horrible words;
Don’t tell us you want to die.

How could you want to die
When you have ears to hear music,
And feet to dance along?
When you have a head to feel life’s pain
And a heart to grow strong?

How could you want to die
With so many books to find and read
And so many waiting tales?
With so many paths to be uncovered
And so many seas to sail?

Darling, how could you want to die?
There’s still so much hope here
And it’s waiting outside your door,
Darling how could you want to die
When there’s so much in life to live for?


Leave a comment

Glass Confetti

Am I the only one who daydreams about stepping in the path of a train or a car? Not in a suicidal way, I don’t want to kill myself; I simply have a niggling fascination as to what it would feel like in those few seconds of impact.

I’ve always thought of just stepping forward into nothing, what that would feel like. The car hasn’t hit you yet but you know it’s coming, and in that moment you are absent of any emotion apart from an odd sense of anticipation for what is about to ensue. You don’t have time to move away, to panic, you simply lunge forward into the abyss of the accident, the eye of the hurricane. I wonder would I close my eyes, or would I keep them wide open until the neon glare of car headlights engulfs my entire vision. Or would it be over before I could really decide, and I’d simply fall without realisation of what is happening?

And then it hits you.

I wonder what that would feel like too. Like the pins and needles you get trying to walk on a dead leg? Like suddenly being plunged under an ice cold wave, until your lungs burst from trying to break free from the waters vice-like grip? Like touching fire and only realising a second later, white hot pain that takes a second to register? A force so strong it knocks every ounce of breath out of your body? Or would you feel so much pain it seems you feel nothing at all? You simply hear the screech, the screams, a dull heavy thud somewhere close beside you (did it hit me? Should I not feel that?). There’s only the quiet slam of metal colliding against skin, and the sharp crescendo of shattering bones like glass confetti scattered in the wind.

I wonder if my mind would be able to think, to recall every memory I’ve experienced in a kaleidoscope of images before my eyes. Or would the windscreens, engines and tyres swallow me into darkness and overpower my mind before I could take my next breath? I’d be alive one second, and the next- gone.

I feel crazy for even thinking all of this, to ponder pain with such inquisitive eyes. Mostly I ignore the little voice that calls me in, but still I see the headlights flash, feel the flutter of the air as cars move past, hear the gentle grind of tyres beckon me closer. And I wonder, I wonder, I wonder- what would it be like? I wonder, but I’m not sure I shall ever know.


Leave a comment

The Smoke & The Dark

Last night I dreamed I was standing alone in a cold, gaping darkness. A darkness that seemed unending until the harsh click of a lighter echoed through the abyss and filled the shadows with its intense light. A single enormous flame spurted upwards and flooded the plane around me with relentless waves of heat, flickering at my body with red-hot tongues. Using my jacket sleeve as a protection for my eyes, I peered forward into the flame to see where it had come from.

Suddenly from behind a cigarette appeared and leant forward into the lighter, thirstily lapping up the fire until the end had stolen some of the flames. Then from behind a face appeared, one I vaguely recognised but in my slumber was unfocused so as to hide from me. Lips latched around the opposite end of the cigarette and inhaled deeply, greedily feasting on the contents within. The embers flared a blood red that gleamed mockingly in the darkness, and as the user exhaled a rush of ash and smoke tumbled out of the edges and surrounded the both of us in a dark, menacing cloud..

A storm of thick ash engulfed me, filling my lungs and pricking at my eyes until I was bent over coughing, tears streaming out of my eyes in tiny waterfalls. My throat wailed and shrivelled in pain from the torments of the smoke, and as I looked up to call out to the looming face in front of me my voice caught and came out only as a raspy whisper. Desperately I coughed to try to clear my throat so I could warn the face of the smoke’s dangers but it simply poured through my throat, seeping through my blood like poison and scratching and scraping at my insides. I forced my eyes open despite the burning hot ash that fluttered dangerously around me so I could watch the huge figure above.

His face was covered in ash that engrained itself like an iron-master forging fiery patterns into his skin until it was gnarled and sunken. The flicker of flames against his cheek gave him an almost skeletal appearance as he suckled ravenously on the seemingly never-ending cigarette. Smoke coiled and curled around his features, creating a thick noose around his neck that slowly tightened with each breath of smoke that quivered outwards from his wrinkled lips. His pupils had nearly swamped his whole eyes and were as dark as our surroundings, filled with a malicious desire for the devilish taste of the cigarette.  He was drawing his own death sentence without even realising it, and as I tried to call out to him I noticed suddenly the smoke held me in a noose too and my throat was clenched so tight I could not utter a single syllable. I flailed my arms and legs around me in a frantic attempt to free myself from its iron grip to no avail.

Terrified, my eyes widened as tears prickled behind the eyelids and I tried to capture a few clean breaths. My body was slowly becoming weak, the smoke infecting me with its slow taunting spread. Suddenly the smoker stopped; lowered the cigarette to stub it out. The last few embers were beaten down, and I felt the noose around my neck tighten one last fatal time. As I felt a last splutter of breath escape my lips, we plunged into a cold, unending darkness and I closed my eyes, waiting for it all to be over.