The Brown Eyed Dreamer

'Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart.' William Wordsworth


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The Shortest, Sharpest Lies

‘That’s fine.’ ‘We’re fine.’ ‘I’m fine.’
Two short words slip off the tongue.
A feeble excuse, a weak shield
Fighting off a barrage of questions,
Blocking off a wave of sympathy,
Keeping out the quiet thoughts
That tell us we’re simply hiding.

‘That’s fine.’ ‘We’re fine.’ ‘I’m fine.’
Two short words that spring to mind.
A shady alibi, a little white lie
Whispering into the dark at night,
Chanting into the light of day,
Ignoring the quiet thoughts that know
That we’re not fine at all.


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Old Ways

She’s disappearing again,
I see her cave into her shadow like before.
Sister pretends to understand but
Loses patience in the silence,
Mum and dad speak, but never listen
To hear the whimpers underneath.
But brother strains to find the sound and
Hears it crying from the dark;
He knows, he knows,
But he’ll never say
Until it is too late.


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A New Year

When people ask me, ‘Did you enjoy 2012?’, I have to think for a second before answering. Because in that moment, a thousand thoughts flurry through my mind’s eye in a kaleidoscope of colours and emotions.

I see family, friends, laughter, tears, shouting, cheering, love, loss, good points and bad points. I see late nights spent whispering, texting, over-analysing, crying and daydreaming with youthful hope. I see mornings spent running, eating, talking and dancing around my kitchen with my dog. I see a relationship that flourished then shrivelled and grew worn like a flower after Summer’s last sun. I see a friendship that became something more, then simply faded away. I see a summer that could’ve been the best and almost became the worst of my entire life. I see a fractured self-esteem only now learning how to mend itself. I see a dark time of trying to find answers to questions I didn’t have, a time where hands reached out and pulled me back up to a place of light and hope. I see faces, some happy, some sad, some just thoughtful. I see memories which I’ll cherish long after these years are over, memories that will still bring a shine to my eyes and a smile to my lips long after they happened. I see a new year, promising and full of childish hope and naïvety, just waiting for me to explore. I see it all, and then, coming out of my daze, I answer.
‘It’s been an interesting year,’ I reply, a small smile playing on my lips and the glint of a thousand memories and secrets yet untold reflecting in my curious eyes.


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Perspective

I know it’s Christmas time and that’s probably why I’m suddenly going all soppy and sentimental, but something out this weekend really gave me a new perspective on life.

This weekend I spent most of my time with my family. And I have to say, I haven’t felt this happy in a while. Friday night was spent watching movies with my sister and making chicken strips with my brother at 2am. Saturday morning was spent cleaning the house waiting for my parents to come home, the three of us kids making eggs and bacon for breakfast and me nearly setting the house on fire. We played Christmas music quietly in the background while we talked and laughed and caught up with each other, and I felt like I hadn’t seen my siblings in years for all I’d missed out on. Later on we headed out to the cinema for a Christmas movie with some friends.

Today was family day. Our morning started with the annual Christmas tree scavenge and we sped along motorways singing as loudly as we could and searching for a place to buy our tree. Eventually we settled along the fattest tree we could find, which was quite silly as we have a tiny little house. But we still heaved it into our back seat and drove it on home, and spent a rather hilarious two hours trying to fit it into the corner of our living room. My mum and I prepared a dinner while my dad and sister sang and hung up tinsel on every available surface.

When we sat down to dinner, I expected to have a normal grace and then to start the meal, but instead my dad looked around us with a small smile playing on his lips and invited us to take each other’s hands. So as I grabbed my brother’s strong grip and my sister’s tender hold and bent my head in prayer, I suddenly had this wave of perspective hit me. (I know, I know, forgive me the cliché.)

All of sudden it occurred to me exactly what I’d been missing out on these last few months. All this time, I’d been so busy racing after different things in this chase for what I thought was love, when really I was missing the bigger picture. Family and friends had had to take a backseat while I’d tried to find what I thought I wanted, when in reality it was right in front of me. I have a dad and mum who are happily in love, a brother who’s still a shoulder to cry on and a sister and friends I can share my world with. I’ve realised I need to stop searching, because for now I have all I really need. And I just wanted to thank you all for staying with me through all this. Especially my best friend and my mum, who had to deal with my every complaint and whine.

 

Yeah, I’m single, and unlikely to find my soul mate anytime soon. But guess what? I’m happy. And for now, that’s all that matters.