The Brown Eyed Dreamer

'Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart.' William Wordsworth


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Melancholia.

All too often I find myself
Tentatively treading the space
Between two sets of mind:
Imagination and reality.
Wandering between the two sides
Wondering about the one side
I truly belong to.
Am I eccentric or just downright crazy?
Am I melancholy or melodramatic?
Is my existence entirely broken
Or am I just another teenager
Jacked up on the idea that depression
Could make my life a little more interesting?

Maybe a part of me craves
Sighs that could fill up my heaving lungs like cigarette fumes,
Tears that could flow through my bloodstream like wine,
So that somewhere amongst the raging chaos
There’d be poetry, inked in pain; and
So that for once in this abysmal, echoing life
I’d have something to say.

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‘Lovers’

I fear the thought of love because
All too often it’s confused with sex-
And I hate that
Hot breaths and skin on skin
Outweigh
Heartbeats and blushing eyes
And I hate that
Questions asked are
Not about feelings, no;
All about action.
‘Have you done it yet?’
Asked far more than
‘Do you love him yet?’
And I’m scared, I’ll admit,
I’m terrified
You’ll love me for my body
And never know my mind.


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Longing of Escaping

I want to read,
Slip from library corners into pools of words,
Feel adventure flood my veins,
As dog-eared, leafed through pages,
Gently beckon me in.

I want to run,
Stopping when paths end and breath falls short,
Exist only as a thudding heartbeat,
The breath of a ragged sigh,
And raindrops dancing off skin.

I want to sleep,
Fall through the arch of eyelids fluttering closed,
Watch as time ticks slow,
Dreams bursting in blooms of light,
Casting shadows on a cold, cluttered mind.


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I want to know you.

There’s so many things about you I want to know. I want to see the real you, and everything that moulds you and makes you, you. There’s so many questions I want to ask you.

I want to know what your favourite season is, whether you prefer stripping down or wrapping up. I want to know if you have hay fever, or if you get a bad cold every Christmas. I want to know your favourite day of the week. I want to know if you like Saturday nights or Sunday mornings best. I want to know how you wake up each morning. Do you sleep sprawled out across the covers or curled in? I want to know if you hum a tune as you put your bread in the toaster. Do you prefer butter or jam? I wonder if you dance about your kitchen, or do you read a book? I want to know the thoughts swirling through your mind as you stir your coffee. Do you have sugar in your coffee, milk? Or maybe you drink tea. These are the things I want to know.

I want to know whether you’re an outdoors person, or whether inside is your haven. I want to know if you like forest walks or beach expeditions. Are you adventurous? I want to know what music you like, or do you like a bit of everything? I want to see you listen to your favourite song, I want to know your favourite song. I want to know if you nod your head in time, or tap your fingers on the table. Do you sing along? Or do you just listen? I want to know if you read books on rainy days, if you like thrillers or fantasy novels better. I want to know if you have a cat that follows you about the house. I want to see you watch movies. I want to know if you cry at the sad parts, and I want to see you laugh uncontrollably. I want to know if you stay up all night or prefer to fall straight to sleep. Are you afraid of the dark? Are you brave? I want to know what you’re afraid of, or find out you have no fears at all.

I want to know what you think about the future, whether you’re planning for an impending zombie apocalypse or saving up for uni. I want to know where you want to travel, what you want to see, what you want to be. Do you want money, fame, love? Do you want 12 kids and a small cottage or a small studio above a shop? I want to see your face light up as you carefully explain your hopes and dreams. Are you afraid of the future, like me? I want to know if you’ll visit your family, if you have friends in exotic places. I want to know if you have big plans. I wonder if you have any plans at all. Maybe you prefer to go with the flow.

I want to know about your interests, your loves, your hates, your past, your present, your future. I have so many questions filling up my head with their clutter about you. I wonder if you think about any of these things at all. Maybe some day I’ll pluck up the courage to ask you.