The Brown Eyed Dreamer

'Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart.' William Wordsworth


Leave a comment

‘Lovers’

I fear the thought of love because
All too often it’s confused with sex-
And I hate that
Hot breaths and skin on skin
Outweigh
Heartbeats and blushing eyes
And I hate that
Questions asked are
Not about feelings, no;
All about action.
‘Have you done it yet?’
Asked far more than
‘Do you love him yet?’
And I’m scared, I’ll admit,
I’m terrified
You’ll love me for my body
And never know my mind.


3 Comments

Perspective

I know it’s Christmas time and that’s probably why I’m suddenly going all soppy and sentimental, but something out this weekend really gave me a new perspective on life.

This weekend I spent most of my time with my family. And I have to say, I haven’t felt this happy in a while. Friday night was spent watching movies with my sister and making chicken strips with my brother at 2am. Saturday morning was spent cleaning the house waiting for my parents to come home, the three of us kids making eggs and bacon for breakfast and me nearly setting the house on fire. We played Christmas music quietly in the background while we talked and laughed and caught up with each other, and I felt like I hadn’t seen my siblings in years for all I’d missed out on. Later on we headed out to the cinema for a Christmas movie with some friends.

Today was family day. Our morning started with the annual Christmas tree scavenge and we sped along motorways singing as loudly as we could and searching for a place to buy our tree. Eventually we settled along the fattest tree we could find, which was quite silly as we have a tiny little house. But we still heaved it into our back seat and drove it on home, and spent a rather hilarious two hours trying to fit it into the corner of our living room. My mum and I prepared a dinner while my dad and sister sang and hung up tinsel on every available surface.

When we sat down to dinner, I expected to have a normal grace and then to start the meal, but instead my dad looked around us with a small smile playing on his lips and invited us to take each other’s hands. So as I grabbed my brother’s strong grip and my sister’s tender hold and bent my head in prayer, I suddenly had this wave of perspective hit me. (I know, I know, forgive me the cliché.)

All of sudden it occurred to me exactly what I’d been missing out on these last few months. All this time, I’d been so busy racing after different things in this chase for what I thought was love, when really I was missing the bigger picture. Family and friends had had to take a backseat while I’d tried to find what I thought I wanted, when in reality it was right in front of me. I have a dad and mum who are happily in love, a brother who’s still a shoulder to cry on and a sister and friends I can share my world with. I’ve realised I need to stop searching, because for now I have all I really need. And I just wanted to thank you all for staying with me through all this. Especially my best friend and my mum, who had to deal with my every complaint and whine.

 

Yeah, I’m single, and unlikely to find my soul mate anytime soon. But guess what? I’m happy. And for now, that’s all that matters.


Leave a comment

Him.

I like his hands. I like putting my hands against his and we gasp at how much bigger his fingers are than mine. I like it when we play wrestle, and his fingers wrap around mine.

I like his hair. I like to run my fingers through it and play with it. I like it when he leans against me and the smell of his hair sinks into my clothes and I feel like he’s a part of me.

I like his eyes. They’re blue green, with flecks of gold that show up in the sunlight. I like the way they crease when he laughs and light up like a thousand stars when he smiles.

I like his smile too, and his laugh. He sometimes lets out a small chuckle, other times laugh so hard that almost no sound comes out. And all the while he’s smiling that gorgeous smile, and when it’s directed at me I can’t help but go weak at the knees.